Nellie Hastings - tries to steal what the other girls find on the island
May - Black top, big blond hair, floral dress
Babs - the bustiest of the women
Gladys - organizes the search parties
Linda - Stripper girl
Anne - Cries about not wanting to die after Linda dies
Doreen � Gladys� dance partner
Horrors of Spider Island. This should be a treat. Opening credits have a spider web backdrop, that seems appropriate. I guess that means there
might actually be some spiders in this one. Here we go. Swinging 50's music with a classic 50's car pulling up to a building. Gary Webster gets out
and walks into a building full of hot chicks waiting in a lobby outside of Mike Blackwood's office. We jump right into seeing some leg on a girl who
looks like a snob with what I would call the Afghan Hound haircut. Gary steps into the lobby, puts out a girl's cigarette and covers up another girl
who has just pulled her dress up to show Gary some of her goods. As Gary walks near bad haircut girl she stands up and says, I've already been to
Singapore. Gary replies, And you look like it. Zing! Gary and his secretary, Georgia, enter Mike's office. Gary asks Mike if he has told
them why they're here. He has. Turns out these girls are going to be interviewed for a dance team to go to Singapore. May walks in for the audition.
Gary asks to see her legs. She shows them to him and she's hired. Methinks Gary's intentions are not quite as legitimate as a 'dance team'. Next
girl walks in and says she hasn't danced but she picks up on things real fast. Gary isn't impressed. Mike excuses her and says, We're looking for
dancers. Girls says, But what's that got to do with Singapore? Well, everything. She's reluctant to leave but Mike helps her out with a
classic line, Come on, honey, don't hold us up. The next girl is bad haircut girl. Her name is Babs. She thinks she's pretty hot stuff. She
was fired from her last dance company because she was having an affair with some guy. She's hired on the condition that she not have any affairs
because Mr. Webster doesn't tolerate any fooling around. He doesn't? Seems like that's all he's interested in. This would be a good time to
tell you about Gary's secret hiring technique. You see, Gary is reclined in a chair with his feet up on a desk. When he sees a girl he likes, he
crosses his legs and then Georgia tells the girl she's hired. If he leaves them uncrossed, they're not hired. If you're watching the movie and hadn't
figured that out by now you deserve to kick yourself in the face. The next girl actually shows off some of her ballet talent. Gary goes to cross his
legs but wait, no, he was just pulling something out of the sole of his shoe. She's good, but not what Gary's looking for (she's a little homely).
Next girl is asked if she's a stripper, at times, she responds. Blah, blah, blah, a few more girls come in and they're hired. Let's get on with it.
The plane takes off. It's a direct flight to Singapore, I guess. I didn't know they had those. Uh oh, the plane is calling out a mayday on the
radio. Engine 2 is burning, 9000 ft and losing altitude. Holy crap! They just showed the plane. The whole thing is on fire and nose-diving straight
towards the ground. All the girls are screaming. Ka-Boom! Right into the water. Yeah, right! They survived that crash? Unbelievable! And they're
all in a raft boat. How in the world did that boat not get destroyed? And where are the two pilots? Are they the only ones that didn't survive the
crash. How unfortunate. Anyways, the girls start to complain about water. Gary slaps Babs, and one of the girls sees an island that's so close to
them that they should've seen it two hours ago. After all, it's not like they're on a motor boat, they're drifting in the ocean. They make it to the
island and lay down on the beach. Of course, all the girls are tired but Gary is still able to carry nearly everyone from the boat to the land. This
movie has taken an odd, yet not surprising patriarchal turn. Gary walks around and finds water. He yells at the girls and they come running towards
the waterfall. The running scene is awesome. There's a lot of asinine girl chatter like, there it is, oh water, where is it, is it cold?, let me
in, oh feel it, and my personal favorite, how wonderful! One girl falls on the ground and I know it's supposed to look like an accident but
after looking at it a few times it's obviously very deliberate. The girl on the ground lifts a leg up right as another girl passes by her, tripping
her. It's hilarious. The girls are getting their fill of water when big daddy Gary jumps in and says, OK, girls, that's enough. Let's go and have
a look around. Wow, thanks for the 10 second water break, Gary. It's not like we were just floating around in the ocean or something. Ha ha, as
the girls walk away from the waterfall, one says, That was fun. I get the feeling that a lot of this movie was dubbed in after recording. I
also have the feeling that one of the girl's voices was done by a guy.
Gary and the gang go wondering off exploring the island. Throughout this whole movie there's what I'm going to call, 'girl-chatter', which is
just all the mumbling that the girls do while nothing is really happening in the movie but they still needed someone to be making noise. They say some
really funny stuff that's definitely worth listening for. Back to the story. One of the girls finds a hammer and calls Gary over to look at it. What
Gary says next, without a doubt, is the funniest part of the whole movie. The conclusions he draws from this hammer are so beyond belief that you
can't help but laugh.
Girl: Gary, look what I just found.
Gary: A hammer, there must be someone on this island.
[girl-chatter]
Gary: A hammer - with a long handle - it must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal, most probably Uranium.
Ha ha ha ha! Oh my goodness, Gary, you're a friggin' genius! How in world did you figure that out? They take off again into the woods of the
island. Gary finds a cabin. They're all happy as they run towards the cabin. Not so happy when they open the door and find a man dead in a giant
spider web. Why would there be a dead guy stuck in a spider web? Wouldn't he either still be alive and stuck in the web or wrapped up in the spider's
silk and eaten? One girl nearly faints. Upon closer inspection we see that the man has both feet planted firmly on the floor and is just leaning
against the web. How did he get stuck there in the first place? It looks like he just walked straight into it then died of starvation. The girls
have assembled outside of the cabin. One of the girls decides to go into the cabin and gets the other girls to go in with her. As they walk away we
see that there was a giant spider right behind them. And they didn't see it? This thing has like a two foot leg span. The spider gives them the
bird as they walk away. Time goes by and the girls end up in the cabin eating some canned food. Someone is turning the door knob to enter the cabin.
Is this supposed to be scary? Suspenseful? I think so because the girls are getting scared. But this ends once they see two other girls walking
through the door. What a horribly done technique. You're supposed to do the 'door handle turning' thing when something scary is already happening,
like a chase scene or something, not when everyone's just sitting around eating food.
Gary does some canned food inventory with Georgia as two girls fight over a shirt. One girl thinks she deserves it because her shirt is in worse
condition than the other girl's shirt. The other girl found the shirt and doesn't want to give it up. Wow, how exciting. This movie is really
getting somewhere, and fast. Gary breaks up the fight, takes the shirt away and gives it to Georgia. Huh? Why does Georgia get the shirt? The other
girl found it. One of the girls' dress straps magically finds its way back on to her shoulder and makes a sarcastic remark about Gary and Georgia.
Babs walks by and the girl tries to take a pullover from her that she found. Man, does this girl think that people are just going to look for clothes
for her? If you want your own clothes you're going to have to look for them yourself. The girl stirs up a bit more tension among the other girls.
Stripper girl complains about the heat so she takes off her shirt and exposes the top of her nighty. I have a feeling we're going to be seeing more
bras in the near future. Now she took her shirt off and just rubbed against Gary, who for some reason has been standing still looking aimlessly at
something for the past few seconds. Oops, continuity problem as she walks by him. Gary smirks as she passes. It's bed time now so some swanky jazz
music comes in as we see the girls get ready for bed in a more than promiscuous manner. Gary decides he doesn't want to stick around for the possible
ensuing pillow fight so he heads out to the porch to start to go for a walk. But what do we have here? Three girls in underwear lying on the porch.
And with the heat, who would even think about covering up? One of the girls throws herself at Gary and they kiss. Georgia steps onto the balcony and
catches her. Gary throws his arms up in confusion and says, This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Good one, Gary, blame it
on the heat. Georgia swings her hand at the girl who does a horrible job at acting like she just got slapped. Gary takes off into the woods.
A storm's a brewing and the spider's on the hunt. The spider attacks Gary. Gary pulls the spider off of him and shoots it four times with the
gun he snagged from the professor's desk. The girls run out onto the porch. Um, the three girls aren't there anymore and all of a sudden it's pouring
rain. I thought it was really hot just a few seconds ago. What a strange island. Blood squirts out of the spider very quickly. It kind of looks
like baking soda in vinegar. Gary's neck wound has transformed him into a giant spider man. This is very logical though. If a spider on an island
has been exposed to Uranium, it will grow to be very large. Then, when that spider bites a human, the human will develop spider-like qualities. Makes
sense, I guess.
The girls split up into search parties. Oh great, here we go, 10 bimbos screaming 'Gary' for the next five minutes is just what this movie
needs. Stripper girl stays to take care of the fort while the girls are away. Bad idea. As she's lollygagging by the water's edge Gary comes up
behind her and kills her. The girls come to investigate the scream. We finally find out the stripper's name, Linda. Despite the bite marks on her
neck, they conclude that she's been strangled. They blame it on the spider. A strangling spider? They all go back to the cabin and argue about who's
to blame for what. Nellie tries to give Babs a karate chop and they start fighting. They fight for a good long while. 67 seconds to be exact. The
fight ends when Babs sees two furry clawed hands reaching through a window about to grab Georgia. For some reason Gary pulls his hands away and
doesn't kill her. Georgia faints ('bout time someone fainted). Gary runs off and does a sweet pelvic thrust into the air.
A ship is seen in the distance. May gets a fire going. Anne brings some branches over to put in the flames. Should I get some more?
She asks. No, that's enough. That's giving enough smoke. Can you ever really have enough smoke when you're stranded on an island? Anne walks
to the edge of a cliff and thinks about jumping off. Not a bad idea. The sooner everyone's dead in this movie the better, I suppose. Georgia pulls
her away from the ledge.
Two guys show up on the island in a row boat. Never mind how they got to the island, but they're there to help the late professor with his
work. They soon discover a few of the girls skinny-dipping nearby. They show a few shots of the girls. A bare hand comes out from behind a rock and
grabs Gladys by the neck. May yells, Quick, girls, we're in danger. Make for the beach. She sounds like the leader of a robot army when she
says it. The girls get out of the water. The other girls are exploring the island and stumble upon the dead spider and some of Gary's effects.
Spider-Gary watches from an unusually dark part of the forest. Gladys is now making out on the beach with one of the dudes from the rowboat. All of
the girls meet up to talk about the situation. They hide behind a bush as one of the dudes walks by. Georgia sticks a gun in his back and tells him
to put his hands up. He turns around, says, Well, hello, baby, and tries to make a move on her. Georgia isn't having it and they take him back
to the cabin to interrogate him. Gladys and the row boat guy come strolling up towards the cabin. One of the guys' name is Bob. They make a joke
about Bob having the better luck of the two. Bob found a girl and the other guy would've been shot if the revolver had been loaded. Silly
girls, trying to do stuff. Good news, a boat will be returning for the guys in two days. Everyone will be saved. Hooray!
All the girls are happy now and wearing two pieces. Babs says, The boys will be surprised when they see how we've dressed ourselves up in our
island costumes. And the boys have also promised them whiskey. Whiskey and girls in island costumes, I can see where this is going. Georgia
comes bursting in and says they've made radio contact and that they'll be picked up tomorrow. One of the girls, who cares which, exclaims, And
tonight we'll dance and really raise the roof! Raise the roof! Holler! Ah, the days when middle-aged men weren't afraid to dance shirtless with
a scarf around their neck. You know, this guy with his shirt off looks a lot like Gary with his shirt off. Shirtless guy and Anne hook up at the
party. Girls, wouldn't you just love a man who called you disheveled and neglected? Meanwhile, Bob is making out with the girl with the southern
accent. -Come on, I've got twelve minutes left. -What's in twelve minutes? -My next rendezvous. Too late for southern girl though, Babs is
already laid out on the grass displaying her goods to Bob. Bob partakes. Wow, in comes another girl. Gladys and Georgia have a girl-to-girl talk.
Georgia doesn't want to see Gladys get hurt. Well then don't go out onto the porch-- oops, too late. Heartbroken Gladys runs off. Finally, some
character development. Too bad we're already an hour into the movie. Bob and the other guy, who still doesn't have a name, get into a fight over
each other's intentions with these women. It's mostly just Shirtless guy getting mad at Bob for insulting Anne. In the middle of the fight the two
guys realize the ridiculousness of their fighting and burst into laughter. Bob goes to the lagoon to meet up with Gladys. Hey, wasn't their a giant
spider in this movie? Where has he been for the past half hour?
Bob makes his way to the lagoon. He is surrounded by pine trees. Hmmm, pine trees on an island, that's a new one. Gladys finds Bob resting on
a tree. She nudges him and he falls over. He's been killed by Spider-Gary. Spider-Gary follows Gladys along the rocks. The others hear Gladys'
screams and go out to search for her. Spider-Gary pushes Gladys off of the cliff. Shirtless guy goes back to the cabin for ammunition. He runs into
Gary and they have a little fight. They finally tell us Shirtless' name. It's Joe. Joe and Georgia run into the cabin. What? Joe was just fighting
Gary. When did he meet up with Georgia? Joe and Georgia look for bullets in the cabin. Gary busts through the door. Georgia lights up a flare.
Of course, spiders are afraid of bright lights so Gary takes off into the woods. All the girls light up their torches to look for Gary. The chase
scene is horrible. A few times they have Gary surrounded and then in the very next shot they're all chasing after him. They finally manage to force
him into some quicksand. He runs into the quicksand with his arms high in the air. He sinks and dies. The End.Return to B-Movie Heaven-Movie Title- Comments
