She Gods of Shark Reef

If you were the sea I would be the shore

If you were a key I would be the door

I dream of a way to be closer each day

Nearer my love to you

If you were a bird I would be your nest

If you were the sun I would be the west

If you were a heart I would be the beating part (<-huh?)

Nearer my love to you

She Gods of Shark Reef (1958)

In the opening scene we see a man swimming at a dock, accompanied by an Indian native wearing a turban. They're looking mighty suspicious. The Indian hides on deck with a machete as the white guy surprises a man from behind and starts to strangle him with a rope. The Indian courageously joins in the fight and stabs the guy in the stomach. They find a crate and pull a gun out of it as a man comes walking up and discovers the body. The Indian bails, swimming away. The man who discovered the body is attacked from behind by the white guy. Fortunately, he has a gun. Unfortunately, he doesn't use it and he gets his butt kicked by the white guy. White guy takes off into the ocean and swims away. Having just been beaten up, the guy decides it's best to not try to follow the white guy who is probably responsible for the murder. After all, he's swimming away, how would he ever catch him?

The white guy's voice then comes in and says that he and his brother jumped on a ship and left the island (no, the Indian was not his brother). A storm comes and before you know it, he and his brother are drowning in the ocean. But wait, here comes a woman to save them. Thank goodness! As the woman is swimming we see many ominous shots of sharks. The lady pulls out a knife and I think we're supposed to believe that she stabbed one of them, but it really just looks like the shark is squeezing Hershey's syrup into the ocean. Anyways, they make it back to shore and are met by a group of about 15 island women, one of which for some reason ends up straddling white guy's brother as he's lying on his stomach. We find out from the leader of the group that the island is owned by The Island Company, very original name, pearl collectors. After a few inquiries, the leader asks the white guy, You are a scientist expedition? What does that even mean? How can someone be a scientist expedition? Well, the guys end up having to wear dresses like all the other girls on the island. I don't know why they didn't just keep wearing their pants, but who cares? The leader tells them that a supplies ship is coming to the island in ten days. We also find out their names, Chris and Lee Johnson.

Chris and Lee have a conversation. Apparently, they're trying to get to a guy on a nearby island who will help Lee get out of his criminal lifestyle. They talk to the leader for a while and she tells them about their shark god and how angry he is. I get really confused at this part because all this time she's been speaking some pretty decent English then all of a sudden she forgets how to use verbs and says,

You very lucky

That place taboo

Shark god angry

Long time now

Many bad storms

Much bad fortune

Kangaroa hungry

Now, I know what you're hoping for because it was my hope as well. Kangaroa is probably some marsupialesque monster that lives on the island and hops around reeking havoc on the islanders. Well, you're wrong. Kangaroa is the god that the island women worship, and he's a shark.

Chris and Lee build a raft and go out into the ocean to salvage stuff from their ship. As they come back, one of the women (Mahia) is giving the guys googly eyes. The leader does not like that at all. The guys talk to the girl and sit down for a meal of chips and salsa. Then they enjoy some hula dancing where Mahia explains to Chris the story that the dancer is doing. The only problem is that her movements don't match up with the dancer's movements. The dancer stops and everybody claps, or at least, you hear them clap, you don't actually see anybody clap. Mahia starts to dance and gets Chris to dance with her. She puts a lay on him and he accidentally breaks it. Of course, everyone is appalled by this and they all run off while mumbling, "bad taboo". The guys and the audience are left very confused.

The girls leave the guys alone for a while so they decide to walk around and look for a boat. They find one. Thank goodness, the sooner they get off this island, the better. Maybe they'll find a decent movie to land on (zing!). Chris runs into Mahia and she explains to him what happened the night before. Apparently, Kangaroa is hungry and the fact that Mahia saved them didn't help any. On top of that, breaking a lay is bad taboo. Chris and Lee are finding it more and more difficult to fit in as the days go by. Chris and Mahia decide that they like each other and go for a walk around the island, kissing all the while. I mean, who wouldn't want a naive 18-yr old island girl who's never even seen a man before? The leader, who I'm just now understanding to be named Pua, keeps an eye on them as they walk around the island. When Chris lays one on Mahia, Pua gives a dejected look like, He told me he loved me. WTF?

A little while later Lee tells Chris he's found a boat that will Make any place we want to. That must be some rowboat! Even with a broken mast he's still confident that it'll be able to get them anywhere they want to go. They must not have very high ambitions. Lee impatiently asks Chris, You coming with me or not? Was there even a question? Of course he's coming, that's the whole point!

Pua runs up to the two and tells Chris to stay away from Mahia. Apparently, on this island, feelings of romance are considered bad taboo too. Such sexual repression can't be healthy. But I can understand Pua's frustration, after all, they bring bad much trouble so she warns them I warn you go. After this, trouble. What? Maybe I wasn't hearing her correctly. I honestly think I misunderstood about half of what Pua was saying anyways. The budget must not have included close range microphones because the ocean is the only thing that can be heard well in this interaction. This is also a good time to mention that Pua's been going back and forth to some palm trees raising flags that have no explicable purpose but that I'll assume are for signaling someone that we don't know about.

Next scene, some fat islander lady bangs the dinner drum and everyone forms a half circle to sing Gregorian chants to Kangaroa. As the camera pans by the faces of each lady, we quickly understand why there are no men on the island. Pua stands up with a lobster looking thing in her hands and starts to pray to Kangaroa. We learn quite a bit of the island theology:

God of the island. Lord of our sea. Give us a sign.

God of the old people who were here before us.

God of the land sunk beneath the sea.

Visit not your anger upon us.

Kangaroa, take our sins away from us.

Deliver us from your anger.

We are humble, Kangaroa.

Give us a sign.

Let's break this down sentence by sentence.

God of the island. Lord of our sea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.

Give us a sign.
A sign of what, exactly? A sign of anger? A sign of happiness?

God of the old people who were here before us. God of the land sunk beneath the sea.
How old do they think this shark is anyways? It's like all of a sudden instead of being pearl collectors this group of girls is now part of a 1000 year old shark worshipping tribe. And what land sank into the sea? Is there some historical volcanic activity that maybe should've been talked about earlier in the movie.

Kangaroa, take our sins away from us. Deliver us from your anger.
Ah, apparently not even Kangaroa is able to free himself from the influences of Christianity. It's so hard to have an original religion nowadays. Kangaroa must have died for their sins in a deleted scene somewhere (blasphemy?). After asking for another sign, Pua throws some dirt into the fire. A few of the islanders pull their heads back shocked at the sign that has appeared in the smoke. It looks like they're just pulling their faces away from a bright light but I guess that's how islanders express frightened surprise. Pua says, The Itu are not satisfied. The Itu are the spirits of the dead. Kangaroa seems to have many. I guess the spirits of the dead and Kangaroa are in cahoots together and whenever Kangaroa is upset, the Itu tell the islanders through fire smoke. And that's why the next day the girls have to take three women to Kangaroa to offer as sacrifices, one of the girls is Mahia, obviously. The plot thins. She's pushed into the water. Chris swims out on his surf board and throws a spear at either the bad side of Kangaroa or Kangaroa's stunt double because it doesn't look anything like the Kangaroa we've been seeing for the past thirty seven minutes.

Chris carries Mahia across the island and asks for help to which some lady replies no-tapo-tapo-tapo-tapo-tapo and runs off. Whatever you say, lady. As Chris lays her down on the grass I realize how much I like seeing pretty girls fall lifelessly into a guy's arms. Pua runs over to the signal tree and runs some signal flag up a palm tree. This is the second time she's done this, raising and lowering a flag up and down. They never say why. Maybe she's talking to Kangaroa.

Chris walks in on Mahia recovering from her near-drowning. She's looking quite desirable and tells Chris that she would go with him anywhere. Lee is waiting for Chris outside of the hut and after a lengthy 30-second conversation says to Chris, Hurry up, will ya? We'll never get the outrigger made at this rate. I thought they had like seven days left before the supplies ship came. Why's Lee getting all worked up over Chris' 30 second chat with his woman?

Ok, so Chris, Lee, Mahia, and a tied up Pua are all on the boat headed for wherever the crap it is that they're going. Lee somehow comes to the conclusion that law enforcement on the destination island will be waiting for them. Why would they be waiting for them? In the 2 minutes it took to row into the ocean did some islander girls notify the inhabitants of their coming? And if so, how did they know where they were going? And if they didn't, then why is Lee concerned that someone will be waiting for them? Maybe that's what the flags on the palm tree were for. But then again, they never say what the flags were for. So they decide to wait on the reef. Until what? Until everyone just forgets that they were even there? How much time do they plan on staying on this reef? They make their way up to the reef and I'm just now noticing that there are two black bars along the side of this movie. Why am I noticing this? Because I'm also noticing that one of the black bars is straight and the other one looks like it has the profile of barbed-wire along its edge and sticks a good distance into the film. They get out of the boat and tie up Pua again. Why are they so worried about her getting away? Just let her go. Everyone on the island thinks they're up to no good anyway. The confusion is actually confirmed about three minutes earlier when Chris explains why he dragged her along in the first place, I didn't know what was going to happen. I thought we'd get away without any trouble. Doesn't really explain why they took her, but it does explain that Chris makes really stupid decisions in high stress situations. Their feelings towards Pua become even more confusing when they grab her to tie her up again and Lee sarcastically says, All we need is for her to get away. Apparently, now they think she's a threat. Chris and Lee tie up the boat so that it won't "break up". However, they leave about 6 feet of slack on the rope and you see the boat rocking back and forth as they walk away from it. I think maybe they should've just pulled the boat up onto the reef. They tie the boat up and decide to hide on the other side of this twenty-foot high reef because, The rocks will hide us and we'll get a better lookout. How? Either they'll see you in your lookout point on one side or they'll see your boat on the other side. And how can one side of the reef be a better lookout point than the other? Now, the radius of the earth is quite large, and even if the issue is the height of the reef, a five foot height increase is not going to let you see that much further out into the ocean.

Lee looks out into the ocean and questions the meaning of life for a few seconds. He tells Chris he's going to swim back to the island to do something. I didn't understand what he said and I don't think it matters much. Chris offers to go with him and Lee replies, And leave them alone for the night? Woah, hold up here. I thought this was already nighttime. So what night are they talking about here? Grrrr, this movie sucks in more ways than one. Lee sneaks back on the island just as the islander women send out a search party. Hmmmm, where could they have gone? Why didn't they follow them when they were first escaping? And why has village life gone back to normal so soon? Aren't they a little concerned about the kidnapping of Pua?

Lee decides not to do whatever it is he was going to do and instead decides to steal some pearls. As soon as he finds them, a tanned and female Chris Farley in a moo-moo comes walking through the door. WHAM! Lee knocks her on the head with a crow bar. Now this movie's getting somewhere. And where did Chris get this crowbar from? Why it was outside leaning next to the pearl safe house, of course. Fortunately, the over baked Rodney Dangerfield didn't die and comes stumbling out of the room, probably looking for respect. Pua escapes from the reef. They show passed out Ruben Studdard and three girls run up to her to help. Dom DeLuise makes a noise like a broken VCR. Pua, who escaped while Chris was sleeping, runs up to them and tells them that the boys are trying to steal the pearls. Oh really? Is that why Roseanne is on the floor here with everyone gathered around her?

Back on the reef, Lee defends his actions by saying, What was I supposed to do? Surrender to some old woman? Wait a second. If she was some old woman, wouldn't that mean that you could've gotten away from her without killing her? Couldn't you have just pushed her down or tied a stick to her head with a carrot cake dangling in front of her to keep her busy until you made it back to your sweet reef hideout? Anyways, Chris and Lee continue debating the ethics behind this plan of theirs. Due to some bad editing, Lee jumps from about six feet away from Chris to about half a foot away from Chris. Chris doesn't want to run from the law forever, but Lee says he can. Then Lee back slaps Chris and makes him fall onto the rocks. Keep in mind that Lee is only six inches away from Chris. The back slap isn't just very weak, but Lee looks like a sissy and actually slaps Chris on the neck. A fight scene ensues. Lee knocks out Chris by hitting him in the back of the head with a bag of pearls and leaves him face down in a pool of water. Ah, brotherly love.

Mahia comes over to help Chris who is obviously having a tough time keeping his face in the water, you know, to make us think he's been knocked out. It looks more like he's bobbing for apples in three-inch deep water. Lee takes off in the boat. I think that we're supposed to believe that Lee struggles with the mast and that's why he falls into the water. What really happens is that the mast kind of runs into Lee. Lee grabs the mast in front of him and jumps in the water with the mast and he gets caught up in the rope and starts to drown. Yeah, right. When was the last time someone was pulled underwater by 4 feet of a half-inch diameter rope? Well, guess who's on his way to check out the ruckus in the water. You guessed it, none other than Kangaroa. But don't worry, we'll stop him with some footage of Mahia that we already showed at the beginning of the movie. It's revealed that Kangaroa not only changes shark breeds on occasion, but is also about four feet long, depending on the footage. The pearls lamentably fall into the water. It's odd though because the part of the boat that we see the pearls fall from is the exact spot where Mahia and Chris have just climbed aboard and we see no bag of pearls in that shot.

Lee, trapped underwater by the octopus-like 900 lb rope and greedy as ever tries to grab the pearls as they fall into the ocean. Chris gives up on Lee and saves the mast instead, leaving his brother to drown. Seriously, what happened to Lee? He was trapped underwater because of the rope. Chris pulled the mast and the rope back onto the boat. So shouldn't Lee have come back up out of the water? But no, he just disappears, I guess. I suppose the director was trying to make the ending just that much more sweet (Mahia even says, we'll leave evil behind us, suggesting that the island and Lee were all abominable) when Chris and Mahia sail off into the sunset, or sunrise, or whatever time of day they decide it is in the closing shot. With a few poetic words, Let's go Chris. The tide is high, the wind is strong. (apparently, just for their boat and not for the islanders that are coming after them), Chris and Mahia leave the silly shark worshiping island behind them forever. The End. Thank goodness. If I spent another ten minutes trying to piece together this plot I'd throw myself to Kangaroa.

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