The Phantom PlanetWoah, we start this one off with a countdown and then a huge atomic explosion. Sweet. I'm going to like this one. Uh oh, turns out the explosion was merely a way of telling us that man uses atomic energy for spaceships. Narrator wonders if there is life on other planets and ...if this story we are about to witness is only the beginning.Cut to the inside of a spaceship. March 6, 1980. Captian Leanord and Lieutenant Webb are flying through space reading off a bunch of spaceman jargon to their base. All of a sudden, the spaceship goes off course because of an outside acceleration force and an asteroid approaches them. They're being pulled towards the asteroid at 11 g's. Boom! They're dead. The Phantom Planet. Roll credits. Looks like whoever was in charge of the credits is having a hard time keeping the words stationary on the film. They keep moving back and forth. Hard to read. Electronic Space Equipment by Space Age Rentals! Hey, they're the same guys that did The Atomic Brain! Man, Fred Gebhardt's all over this movie. Screenplay, original story, producer. Here we go. On with the movie. Oh, this is a sweet model of a space station on the moon. Two dudes talking to each other about the crash. Two spaceships have crashed into an asteroid in the past month. Some space program they've got here. In response, one dude says, It's against all theories of space. What? That things crash into asteroids? Now true, I was just a wee lad during the start of the ever-so-advanced 80's but something tells me there weren't too many theories about space that said that things don't crash into each other. Side note: the asteroid is as big as a planet and is so fast that it is impossible to track. What? You can't track a fast moving planet? Just watch it in the sky. If it's that big you should be able to see it with the naked eye. There's some usual ego-clashing between the head of the space station and a guy he's talking to back on earth. So two spaceships have disappeared in the last month and the guy over the radio wants to send yet another recon ship to find out what's going on. He wants to send Captain Frank Chapman, our soon to be star of the movie. Haven't they invented unmanned space ships by now? Chapman and his copilot take off. Copilot�s name is McConin. Ah, the boss on the space station is named Colonel Lansfield. Chapman asks, What's our elapsed time from base? We see this clock that looks like an odometer. The seconds are spinning in five-second intervals but we see it go from 15 to 35 in the whole two seconds that we see the odometer. Time sure does fly when you're in space. And the odometer isn't even spinning smoothly. It's jerky, like someone's just twirling it underneath the spaceship's console (likely). Chapman wonders why they're taking the same course as the other ship and changes course. The spaceship turns to the left. Wow, ten and a half minutes into the movie and they're already reusing footage. And hold on a second. Their original azimuth reading was 270 degrees and they changed course to 278 degrees. That means that they should've turned to the right. The only way they could've been seen to turn to the left is if the camera view was from the bottom of the spaceship, which I doubt. And shouldn't they have told Lunar Base One (the moon station) what they were doing? Anyways, Lunar Base One starts talking to them and Chapman still doesn't want to tell them why they're off course. All their instruments go out and they lose contact with the space station. Into the asteroid field. Several instruments are out, including the infrared detector. What the frik do they care if their infrared detector doesn't work? These are asteroids. They're rock. They don't have heat to detect. Chapman says the only way to get out of the asteroid field is to turn 9-0 degrees. McConin reads off the new course. Azimuth 311 degrees. Let's do the math on this one. 278 degrees plus 90 degrees gives us -carry the three, subtract the four- 8 degrees should be their new course. These are some bright astronauts. So he says they're going to turn to 311 degrees, they're supposed to turn to 8 degrees, and they show them turn left again with that same old footage that we've now seen three times. Now we see them flying parallel to the asteroids. I thought they were leaving the asteroid field. Asteroid scare is over and now they're checking their electronics. Main 1 and 2 are out so they have to climb out of the ship to fix whatever the problem is. They open up the ship. With no rope of any kind attached to them, they brave the space elements. This scene is actually very well done. They do quite a good job of giving a sense of weightlessness. Chapman's airline is cut by some flying debris and he passes out. McConin grabs him and puts him back on the ship. As he's doing this, debris hits him and he floats off into space. The drama of the scene is pretty intense. Passed out Chapman lying on the floor. Spaceship door closing as McConin slowly floats away saying the Lord's Prayer to himself. Very well done. My only observation about this scene is, where's the pressure chamber? How are they going in and out of the spaceship so freely? Isn't all the oxygen escaping from the spaceship? Chapman recovers, only to find himself being pulled towards an asteroid. Spaceship lands on the asteroid. He gets out and promptly passes out again. He wakes up to find a group of men looking at him in awe. The odd thing is that these people are only about 6 inches tall. Now Chapman is shrinking. Cool effect. Decently done. The group sends a guy into the helmet to see if Chapman is in there. One inexplicably says, He must stand trial. Huh? After a brief struggle, they grab him and lo and behold, now he's on trial. Let's see what his charges are. Hmm, they're taking a long time to get to the charges. 'Man from earth' is accused of causing injury to one of the people of this planet, the planet's name being named Raton. Raton means big rat in Spanish, by the way. Get it, these people are small...like rats. Clever. The jury of all women finds Chapman guilty and is made a free subject of Raton. Some sentence they have here. Aren't guilty people usually held captive? Ah, now it's explained. They don't want to risk being found out by other worlds so they have to hold on to him. So what happens if you're innocent? Anyways, Chapman is taken to his room by a beautiful Ratonite named Liara, Seson's daughter. Seson is the judge/leader. Another girl watches on with a suspicious eye. As they walk to Chapman's room, Liara explains why he's their size. Apparently, the atmosphere, along with some acceleration from their gravitational control has shrunken him down to size. As if that wasn't confusing enough, oxygen from earth will restore him back to his normal size (and his clothes too, which have also somehow shrunk). I'll take a leap of faith here and accept this. Chapman is satisfied for now about having to stay on the asteroid. Seson helps him become accustomed to his new home by offering him a wife. Liara, Seson's daughter, or Zetha, a woman who can't speak. What's Chapman's deal? These girls are cute. Just live on the asteroid, buddy. Maybe all those years of living on the moon did something to him... sexually. The Ratonites release Chapman's ship into space. It is found by Lunar Base One. Colonel what's-his-face prepares to send two more men into space to grab the ship. Good idea. I wonder if they crash on the asteroid too. Oops, I spoke too soon. Looks like they've made it to Chapman's ship. They do a pretty sweet parallel parking job and board the ship, only to find the emergency recording that Chapman made before he crashed. Chapman is sitting in his cave scratching into some rock with another piece of rock. He mumbles, I can't work under these conditions. Work? What were you doing anyways? Would anyone care to explain what this "work" is that he was doing? He demands to see the gravitational device. One of Seson's aids says something about the possibility of Chapman being a spy from the Solarites. Uh oh, who are the Solarites? Do I smell a plot developing? Oh wait, those are just my steaks on the Foreman. Seson shows Chapman the device. He explains that the asteroid's high density has helped the Ratonites advance gravity and anti-gravity theories. Chapman replies, It's beyond me. You're not alone, Chapman. Wow, a few minutes of inane techno-gibberish later and Chapman is on his way back to his side of the cave. He stumbles upon Zetha, the mute, and they go for a walk. This is starting to resemble an episode of Elimidate. He'll probably kiss her in a hot tub just to see if she'll put out. Nope, what a gentleman. Seson's aid was watching this interlocution. The aid reports to Seson that Chapman has committed a crime by insulting Liara because he feels Chapman is womanizing behind Liara's back (Seson's aid is obviously in love with Liara, and says so). Is this really a crime? The crime of insult? Only on this crazy asteroid called Raton, I guess. Seson's aid wants to challenge Chapman to "the duel". Ah, Heron is the name of Seson's aid. The duel is carried out with an I-shaped "combat rod" held at either end of the I by both participants. They try to force each other into squares that have a gravitational pull that's so high (and somehow localized) that anything that enters its boundaries is disintegrated. Um, excuse me. If the gravity were so high, wouldn't the person be crushed, not disintegrated? Some dude explains the rules, There is to be no quarter called and no quarter given. Huh? Quarter? You mean these guys can't have a coin toss or exchange quarters during the match? Wait a second. This has happened to me before. Maybe there's a meaning of the word "quarter" that I'm not familiar with. Dictionary.com, help me out here. "Quarter", definition number 23! Woah! The very last definition! Quarter - Mercy or clemency, especially when displayed or given to an enemy. Ah, now it makes sense. Continue with the set-to. Wait, then the guy says that the fate of the loser is in the hands of the victor. So, doesn't that mean that he could have mercy on the loser if he wanted to? The fracas ensues. The two men go at it for a short time (thank goodness, this easily could've turned into a boring, unnecessarily prolonged fight scene) each one battling to disintegrate the other (in the disintegrators that can't even disintegrate the dirt that's kicked on them). Chapman wins but doesn't kill Heron. He gives quarter, as any gentleman would do. Zetha is touched by Chapman's compassion. Late one night Heron wakes Chapman by caressing his cheek with a knife. How sweet. They conjure up a plan to get Chapman back to earth. I don't know about you, but I would not make plans with anyone who wakes me up with a knife in my face. The plan is that Heron will soon have a night where he's in control of the asteroid. He'll guide it towards our moon and count on the humans to investigate. I'm going to love to see how this plays out. Oh no, maybe we won't see it, the Solarites are attacking! Oh wow, the Solarite ships look like flaming marshmallows on strings. The Solarites want the Ratonites' gravitational control technology in order to avoid being pulled into their sun. The battles between the two have been going on for generations. Geesh, why don't you just help them out? Liara takes Chapman to look at an imprisoned Solarite captured from the last battle. The Solarite, by the way, is played by Richard Kiel, James Bond's Jaws, and looks like a nine foot Pluto costume. The suit isn't scary in the least bit. His eyes are droopy and he's just as slow and lethargic as any monster I've ever seen. Oh great, here comes another gravitation explanation. This time it's about the invisible wall surrounding the Solarite, By using a high magnetic field, we can lock molecules so closely together that they form a solid wall. Uh, isn't that what solid material is? Closely compacted molecules? So maybe you should really be explaining why it's invisible because even closely compacted gases aren't see through. Back to the Solarite attack. The Solarites, in their flaming spaceships, have enough concentrated heat to blow up the asteroid. Seson poses two options before Heron and Chapman, they can outrun them or they can fight. Both say fight. Seson agrees by saying, That's exactly my decision and Liara looks up at Chapman with a big smile as if to say, 'yeah, you gave a good answer'. Or maybe she's just blood thirsty. After all, during the duel scene when Chapman had Heron's life in the palm of his hands all the girls were chanting, Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. The battle rages on. Uh oh, a stray Solarite missile has disabled the imprisoned Solarite's shield, this can't be good. Seson activates the gravity curtain and all the Solarites are forced to group together and are blown up. But look out, there's still one Solarite left, and he's exploring his new freedom. Zetha has, for some reason, gone to sleep. So in the middle of an attack Zetha just goes and dozes off? That seems pretty dumb. This movie's already been going for an hour and five minutes, shouldn't they be wrapping things up now? Ah, now I see why she went to sleep, so Jaws could find her. Shhhh, Zetha, I won't hurt you. Oh, right, you can't talk. Zetha wakes up and sees the Solarite. But what can she do against this lumbering beast? The Solarite hauntingly extends his out-of-focused hand towards the camera. Zetha faints, of course, as any girl would. I hope the Solarite doesn't fall in love with her (for those of you who want to see Richard Kiel fall in love as a monster in a sci-fi movie, watch Eegah). The Solarite then pushes Seson down from behind but heads back to Zetha before the others get to him. The Solarite decides to have a little fun with the gravitational device in the control room. The device is making noises we've never heard before, like a racquetball bouncing around in a racquetball court. Chapman walks in to find Zetha on the floor. The Solarite attacks. Heron comes in and the two lure him towards the super gravitational box used in the dueling scene. Zetha wakes and screams in horror at the sight of the Solarite battling Chapman and Heron. Zoom, no more Solarite. Wait a second, Zetha screams in horror?! She has a voice now? How did this happen? Ah, how touching, but again, inexplicable, when she saw Chapman in danger "something happened" and now she can talk. Perfect enunciation too. Not bad for a beginner. Chapman and Zetha decide they love each other but Chapman still wants to get back to his home, the moon. Meanwhile, back in some spaceship that's looking for Chapman, two bozos receive word from Lunar Base One that the asteroid is approaching. They're told to land and investigate. I said it before, but come on, people! Three spaceships have disappeared as a result of this asteroid, and you're sending another one to investigate! What's wrong with you? Chapman gets inside his spacesuit and the little guys manage to turn his oxygen back on. Chapman's head is filled with flashbacks of his adventures and then he's found by one of the pilots. He gets on the spaceship. He seems to be willing to convince himself that everything that just happened was all a dream until he opens up his palm; he's still holding the rock that Zetha gave him. They take off and Chapman realizes that no one will ever believe him. Narrator comes on. What then will the future reveal if this story is only the beginning... is only the beginning... only the beginning... only the beginning. Uh, what the heck was that echo all about? That was weird. Now instead of The End showing up on the screen it says, The Beginning. Uh...huh? What do they mean? The beginning of what? Is there going to be a sequel? I'm thoroughly confused here. I'm not even laughing. Just honestly confused. I guess the important thing is that it's over and that everyone's safe, and that's all that matters. Well, I need to go to bed. No final thoughts on this one. Where would I begin? The infinite ways that gravity can be manipulated? Yeah, right. I don't have that kind of time. Each scene presented like five new gravitational devices. Or maybe I should make some reference to the fact that even though the people on the asteroid were small because of their oxygen and gravity, the Solarites were also just as small as them. Why? And how? Didn't they live on different planets with a different gravitational pull? Anyways. I'm done with this one. Return to B-Movie Heaven |