Mesa of Lost Women

We start this one off with a man standing somewhere looking around. You know, because that's what people do sometimes, they'll just stand there and look. It's hard to believe that it's difficult to look unconvincing as someone who's standing, but this guy has made me a believer. Two hands come in to view, one in front of the man, one behind. The fingers are covered in Bugles, you know, the chips that have the near hypnotic power of making people put them on their fingers? The hands belong to a woman. She pulls him in for a kiss and he drops dead.
Narrator comes in:

Have you ever been kissed by a girl like this?

Uhhhhh, no? Credits roll.

This music is...erratic? Imagine Elaine Benes from Seinfeld dancing. Now imagine that her dance is appropriate to the music she's listening to. Narrated intros are usually a gold mine of factual scientific information. Let's see what we can learn from this one.

Strange, the monstrous assurance of this race of puny bipeds with overblown egos. The creature who calls himself 'man'. He believes he owns the earth and every living thing on it exists only for his benefit. Yet, how foolish he is! Consider, even the lowly insect that man trods underfoot outweighs humanity several times and outnumbers him by countless billions. In the continuing war for survival between man and the hexapods only an utter fool would bet against the insect. Let a man or woman venture from the well-beaten path of civilization, let him cross the threshold of the limited intellect and he encounters amazing, wondrous things. The unknown and terrible. If he escapes these weird adventures with his life he will usually find he left his reason behind him. Perhaps that is what happened to these two souls, lost in the great Mexican desert. But then, ask yourself, why would anyone trod from the usually well-traveled roads of this modern age, from the luxury of an air-conditioned automobile? It's difficult for our modern world of statistics and electronics to accept miracles but you could almost call this a miracle, a genuine miracle. Out of hundreds and thousands of square miles of heat and seared wasteland where the vultures wait for the other vultures to die, an American oil surveyor has chosen to explore this particular terrible corner of the earth, the Muerto Desert, the desert of death. [surveyor looks through binoculars] This surveyor can hardly credit his eyes, perhaps they're only elusive images produced by roasting the optic nerves. But, if they do exist, if they are living things from somewhere one fact is certain, miracle or not, they will not be living things for long. The Muerto Desert, true to its name, will soon convert them into dead things.

Let's get a few things straight before we continue. First of all, that narration was longer than I thought it was going to be. Usually they're only a few sentences long. Second, you're not scoring any points with the viewing audience by starting your little diatribe by calling us all a bunch of 'puny bipeds with overblown egos'. Take a hike, commie! Third, what is this war for survival between humans and hexapods he's talking about? I've never had any beef with any insects so get over it and stop spreading lies. That's how people's feelings get hurt. Fourth, there's no such thing as the Muerto Desert. The closest I could find via my all encompassing Google search and wikipedia fountain of knowledge was the Jornada del Muerto, Journey of the Dead Man, which was basically a long trail from northern Mexico into New Mexico. But that's not the name of any desert, it's the name of a trail. Fifth, those people they show wandering around during the narration shouldn't be alive. You can die in a desert in a day unless your name's Survivorman. Tuesdays at 8 ET/9 PT. Check your local listings. I'm interested to see how long they say these people were in the desert. Let us continue.

The action starts at the Amer-exico hospital. I'm not sure if it's possible to make anyone look more like a stereotypical Mexican than the person I'm currently looking at. Sombrero, scarf, plaid country shirt. Nailed it. And oh yeah, his name's Pepe. Go figure. Not that it matters too much but they start throwing around some geographical data that was probably made up on set. Where they were found is about 100 degrees off course to Mexico City. They were found at Zarfa Mesa. One guy asks Pepe where he picked them up?! What? The oil surveyor picked them up, what's he talking about?

The two people begin to wake up. The guy wakes up first. One of the men from the oil company decides to yell at the guy for trying to walk across the desert with a girl. Geesh, at least let the guy eat a meal and take a shower before you go flying off the handle making inappropriate and illogical conclusions. The guy ignores the reprimand and starts ranting about taking barrels of oil to burn 'em up before they scatter. He continues to explain that Dr. Aranya is creating creatures inside of Zarfa Mesa. They let him continue his story.

And so the story begins...

Dr. Leland Masterson came to Zarfa Mesa to meet with Dr. Aranya. Zarfa Mesa is one of those quaint little mesas decorated with midgets and women crawling on the rocks and in and out of caves. Elaine Benes continues to dance. Dr. Masterson enters the mesa and is greeted by a midget and the girl at the beginning of the movie. No one really talks to him so he begins to look around trying to touch other women. They ignore his confused advances. Dr. Aranya comes out to greet Dr. Masterson and invites him into the lab to check out an experiment. This place looks like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory if Wonka was in the business of arachnid-human cross breeding. Dr. Aranya explains his work. He's experimenting with transferring isolated human pituitary hormones with animals (see The Giant Gila Monster). He's had the most success with tarantulas, where they've grown the size of humans. Also, somehow, inexplicably, he found out he can control them telepathically. I mean, why not? What's so illogical about that? Seems like a natural consequence of transferring pituitary hormones. Dr. Aranya has also reversed the process of transferring tarantula pituitary hormones into the human pituitary gland, which, of course, turns humans into tarantula-esque monsters that he can control with his mind. The woman from the beginning of the movie, as it turns out, is named Tarantella. Like the other human-tarantulas in the mesa, if she loses a limb it will grow back, because that's what happens when humans are given tarantula hormones. Not too surprisingly, Dr. Aranya is moments away from creating a super female spider which will someday be able to control the world subject to Dr. Aranya's will. The super female awakes, stretches, and walks away somewhere. Then we see a giant tarantula stretch forth from behind a curtain. Dr. Aranya opens a door to reveal a giant spider in a diaper. Ummm, did someone say Mc Pee Pants? Dr. Masterson makes a face like a fourth grader watching child birth. Dr. Aranya offers Masterson the opportunity to join him in his experiments. He refuses and is subsequently injected with something that makes him fall down and is no longer useful as a scientist, but rather, will become a new experimental subject. An odd montage occurs that ends with a newspaper headline: Leland Masterson's Mind Snaps Under Ordeal; Confined to Asylum. The next thirty seconds leaves us with a few questions. Wasn't he going to be used for experiments? Why was he let go? Why isn't he a dwarf? Why is he in the Muerto State Asylum and not in an American asylum? Why is the Muerto State Asylum sign in English?

Dr. Masterson escapes from the asylum, which apparently was in the US since his care taker was American.

The next scene is at a bar where a Mexican band is playing. Dr. Masterson wanders to the bar. !! Tarantella's there !! Oh no! What does it all mean?! What are the intricacies of Dr. Aranya's fiendish plot?! Why do I care?!

Whoa, almost lost it there for a second. Back to business.

Dr. Masterson is acting super weird, like someone with a mental disorder. No disrespect to mentally challenged people but Dr. M is just out of his gourd.

A couple walks in. What a dump, says the snobby woman. The waiter shoos some locals away from the table and the two sit down. The lady continues to complain because there isn't a better bar in this border town, all because of a forced landing. She's being a total drag because today's her wedding d- oh wait, what's this, Masterson's seen them and he advances. A very quiet and awkward advance. As Masterson subjects them to his awkwardness, Wu, the plane's mechanic comes over to the table to tell them their plane will take a while longer to be fixed. Oh wait! What's this? Wu and Tarantella are making eye contact, revealing an in-depth plot between airplane pilots and middle of nowhere arachnid-human scientists to crash land private jets to use the passengers as test subjects!

What happens next is somehow difficult to describe. The Elaine Benes music comes in and Tarantella starts dancing. Apparently it's supposed to be a sexy dance because the bartender over pours a drink while in a sex crazed stupor. She mixes her sexiness with some spider themed movements. Pretty creative. The guitar player in the band plays while we hear only the piano. Interesting.

Dr. Masterson is approached by George, the care taker at the museum. Masterson has been gone for 2 days. Masterson seems eerily reluctant to go back to the hospital. After a minute or two of dancing Masterson asks the soon to be husband, You like her? To which he responds, Very much. She's a dancer, of course. So let me get this straight, sir. Dancers dance? I'll have to think about that for a while. I don't quite understand. Oh no! Masterson's got a gun! He's shot Tarantella! George calms the crowd by telling them he's an insane killer and will kill all of them before they can reach him. Oh, in that case, I feel better about the situation. Thank you, George.

Tarantella emits a shrieking noise into the wife's ears before dying. Only she can hear it. It makes perfect sense. The four leave the bar and get into George's car to head to the air field.

A local calls the sheriff to report the shooting. Tarantella rises to her feet! No way! She's not dead!

Despite the pilot's insistence that the plane isn't ready to be flown, George forces everyone onto the plane because he's always wanted to fly. How did he get to Dr. Aranya's mesa the first time he was there? Up in the air Masterson eases the mood with these reassuring words, Birds fly without motors and so will we.

The plane crash lands...guess where...on top of a mesa! The midgets are pleased. Come on now, how could Wu have known they would have to land there?! Dr. Aranya is a genius!

For some reason, a forest now creates a lot of reverb on echoes. Wu wanders off while the group talks. Very inconspicuous, Wu. What is clever little Wu up to? Ah, pretending to pick up sticks to meet up with some women. The group hears a noise off in the distance. When Wu comes back they ask him if he saw what made the noise. The curtain of darkness veils the sharpest eyes. Wu saw nothing. So not only does he speak proverbially like all Chinese people but he also refers to himself in the third person because he's so uneducated. Nice touch.

Pilot finds a flare gun that actually shoots fireworks. The midget likes it.

They sit down around the campfire for some lovely evening conversation. Masteson is hungry. Wu chimes in, The hungry animal knows no fear and offers him brandy. Masterson turns it down because he doesn't drink before imaginary dinners. George decides to head off into the woods. Good idea. He turns a corner. Freezes. Screams. Wu offers another bit of Chinese wisdom, He needs help. Good one, Confuscius. They all go out to look for George. Since the screams have stopped, I'm guessing they had better hurry.

Elaine dances in the forest.

Wu chimes in, George is beyond help. We should all go back and tend the fire for the living.. Someone needs to whack that guy in the back of the head. Or just take his advice, which is what they do. On the way back we have two, count them two close calls. The husband scratches his arm on some thorns and Doreen falls, breaking a heel (shoe) and ruining her skirt. They get back to the fire and have a drink.

Meanwhile, back at the lab Dr. Aranya mixes chemicals and one of the women out on the prowl walks over to him. And that's it. Back to the camp fire! Masterson drinks up while aiming the gun at the fire. Wu offers some more wise Chinese wisdom to no one in particular before wandering off aimlessly, The darker circles of the night will melt away with the morning sun. I'm not sure that he actually says 'darker circles' and I listened to it like 15 times to try to figure it out, but I'm guessing I can live without whatever wisdom he was trying to impart.

Back at Dr. Aranya's lab Dr. Aranya approves of the message his female minion has given him. Very good, my dear, very good. Soon their nerves will break. So what? Don't you want them in good condition to do your experiments?

Doreen and Phillips, the pilot, have a late night chat by the camp fire. Doreen asks, Phillips, why do you ignore me? What in the world is she talking about?! All of a sudden they're having a conversation about Phillips understanding that Doreen's marrying that guy for money. These two have NEVER had any kind of interaction at all during this whole movie. Why are they so in to each other now? I want you to understand me, she says to him. I guess she likes him. This is confusing that they actually seem interested in each other. _{The midgets run.} Phillips tells Doreen he wants someone that wants him only for what he is, not what he has. She kisses him. He pushes her away because after all, this is supposed to be her wedding night. Without warning the movie is edited to a scene that probably shouldn't take place until at least 20 seconds after Doreen and Phillips' conversation. All of a sudden Doreen is yelling about something she saw. Ms. Culbertson (Doreen) is looking awfully good for having survived an air plane crash and a day in the desert.

The husband asks Doreen where her comb is. You know, because that's important. She says she probably left it out in the woods. The husband bravely sends Wu out to look for it. We're treated to some fascinating dialog between Wu and Masterson.

Wu: He who serves well also serves in danger.
Masterson: Wu, the wanderer in the valley of darkness shall have my guidance and protection.
Phillips: OK, Wu. If you feel that way about it I won't stop you. But don't hesitate to use that gun. I hope you know how.
Wu: There is a day to be born and a day to die.

I'm guessing today is Wu's day to die. What's this?! Wu crawls into Dr. Aranya's cave! They talk about what's to be done with the group. Wu apparently shows some hint of sympathy for the group with a blank stare and Dr. Aranya sicks his girls on him. Confucious says, you a dead man.

This movie is supposed to end in 5 minutes. I guess that rules out anything interesting happening when the group finds Dr. Aranya.

As Phillips walks around the camp he finds the comb on Wu's dead body. He takes it back to camp and somehow husband is surprised and devastated that Wu is dead. They hear a noise. Husband takes off into the woods and has a little run in with Mr. Spider. The midgets pounce on Doreen and Phillips. It reminds me oddly of The Wickerman. Masterson takes it all in stride and follows the group.

Dr. Aranya brings Masterson back to a normal state of mind with an injection. He quickly rebels. Doreen grabs Tarantella. Phillips grabs Dr. Aranya (which means Dr. Spider, by the way, and begs the question of where Dr. Aranya is from since he appears to be American). Masterson mixes two liquids together.

They have no labels but that doesn't stop him from knowing what he's doing. The reaction will explode in a matter of seconds. Doreen and Phillips hightail it out of there. For reasons beyond our ability to comprehend neither Dr. Aranya nor any of the girls make an attempt to stop Masterson. He throws the mixture and BOOM!! Everything goes up in flames! Well, sort of. We see a giant tarantula standing next to the struggling body of Dr. Aranya. They both seem to be out of harm's way.

Phillips is done telling the story. Doreen wakes up and calls Phillips Grant. What? Is that his first name? Pepe believes the story. Of course, Dan, one of the oil guys, doesn't believe him. The narrator comes back in:

Yes, you're right, Dan. Common sense tells you there isn't anything to his story, doesn't it? Giant spiders on a desert mesa! Fantastic! Pepe is just a superstious native. True, no one has ever been on Zafra Mesa. But it's just like any other bit of table land. Not a thing different about it. Or, uh, is there?

Yeah, this one had a really crappy movie filmed inside of it.

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